I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
