Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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