Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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