capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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