we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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