He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
