So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
