How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
