Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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