We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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