Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
