she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
did you just send me my own nude
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
