i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
