I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Boobs are out for the taking
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
