i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
