Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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