Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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