So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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