My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
