My liver just broke up with me...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
