Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
50% drunk capacity currently
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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