My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Please don't give away my fajitas
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
