Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's blow job season.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
