Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
