You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
