How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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