what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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