Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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