the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
