We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
