At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
