dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
