You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
