So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
