I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize