i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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