My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I fill condoms, not promises.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
