it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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