i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
