proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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