I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
