Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
