then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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