The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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