haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
