she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
