You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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