I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
im drinking this country out of the recession.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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