i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
