Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
