Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
