I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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