The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
