Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Randomize
