but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
