I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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