she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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