I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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